In tips

STOP Romanticising Toxic Relationship

Jika Anda sudah membaca artikel saya yang ini, Anda pasti tahu kalau saya adalah seorang pendengar di salah satu situs online. Di artikel tersebut saya membahas percakapan saya dengan sesama pendengar yang pada akhirnya berhasil membuat saja jengah. Di kesempatan kali ini, saya akan berbagi pengalaman yang saya dapat dari orang asing—yang tentu saja hanya saya kenal melalui internet—yang tanpa sadar sudah menuntun saya ke sebuah sudden realisation yang saya rasa perlu untuk Anda ketahui juga.

Sebut saja wanita yang saya ajak bicara ini bernama Tika (sumpah, saya selalu mengarang bebas nama-nama yang saya gunakan, no hard feelings.) Tika bercerita kepada saya kalau dia sedang mengalami permasalahan dengan pacarnya. Dia bilang jika awal mula hubungan mereka bermula karena mereka saling mengerti satu sama lain dalam level yang tinggi. Usut punya usut, ternyata keduanya sama-sama berhadapan dengan gangguan mental.

Tika bilang jika hubungan mereka selama ini berjalan mulus-mulus saja, hingga pada suatu saat Tika tanpa sengaja marah dan meledak-ledak pada kekasihnya. Hal ini membuat pacarnya akhirnya perlahan menjauhi Tika dan pergi dengan wanita lain. Tika pun merasakan kesedihan yang teramat sangat dan keterpurukan yang terasa tiada akhirnya.

Sampai pada satu titik, Tika memberitahu saya, “Saya harus gimana? Saya nggak siap sendirian.”

Saya pun menjawab, “Apa ada hal buruk yang bakalan terjadi kalau kamu sendirian? Pada dasarnya kamu takut sendirian hanya karena kamu sudah biasa ditemani.”

“Boleh saya jujur?” tanya Tika. “Saya suka self harm.

Tika mengakhiri kalimatnya tersebut dengan emoji tersenyum: :). Ya, emoji tersenyum.

“Lalu apa hubungannya self harm dengan sendirian?” saya tetap bertanya, sekalipun saya kurang lebih sudah tahu apa yang akan menjadi jawaban Tika.

Tika pun membalas, “Saya suka self harm kalau saya lagi sendirian.”

Saya akhirnya bilang jika saya akan membantu Tika semampu saya, karena memang itu sudah menjadi kewajiban saya sebagai pendengar. Saya mengirimi Tika pesan berikut: “Saya mau bantu kamu. Tapi, kamu harus berkomitmen untuk sembuh. Kamu harus bersedia untuk menolong diri kamu sendiri sekalipun kamu terpaksa melakukan ini semua seorang diri. Tika, apa kamu mau sembuh?”

“Saya mau.”

“Lalu, apa kamu bersedia menolong diri kamu sendiri sendirian?

Sama halnya dengan Dea, sampai hari ini Tika tidak membalas pesan saya.

Ada beberapa kesimpulan yang saya dapat dari percakapan saya dengan Tika ini. Yang pertama, bahwa pemikiran-pemikiran negatif memang bisa dengan mudah datang ketika kita sendirian (lebih tepatnya ketika kita sedang tidak fokus terhadap suatu hal tertentu.) Yang kedua, bahwa orang dengan penyakit mental selalu ingin sembuh. Yang ketiga, tidak semua orang dengan penyakit mental ingin berkomitmen untuk sembuh.

Tika ingin sembuh, well, siapa yang tidak? Akan tetapi, apa dia mau berkomitmen untuk sembuh? Tidak. Apa dia berani menghadapi segala risiko yang harus dia ambil demi mendapatkan kesembuhannya? Tidak. Mengapa? Mungkin karena dia masih menganggap dirinya sendiri  itu istimewa. Dan mungkin, dia menunggu ksatria berkuda putih untuk datang dan menyelamatkan dirinya. Kali ini, kita akan berfokus pada poin ini: hubungan tidak sehat di mana yang menderita harus selalu ditolong oleh seseorang lain, dan orang tersebut berkewajiban untuk menolong orang yang menderita tadi, sekalipun itu sama sekali bukan tugasnya.

Banyak sekali penderita gangguan mental yang sudah pernah saya temui, baik di dunia nyata maupun online. Tidak jarang juga sebagian dari mereka selalu menunggu seseorang untuk datang dan menyelamatkan mereka dari berbagai masalah yang sudah seharusnya mereka selesaikan sendiri. Sedangkan sebagian lainnya, adalah tipe orang yang merasa berkewajiban untuk menolong orang lain menyelesaikan masalahnya (sekalipun masalah mereka sendiri belum terselesaikan) hanya agar mereka bisa merasa lebih baik tentang diri mereka sendiri. Mari kita sebut kedua tipe orang ini dengan panggilan Korban dan Penyelamat.

Dalam kasus Tika, jujur, saya tidak tahu siapa yang Korban atau Penyelamat. Karena Tika bilang kalau cowoknya juga sama-sama memiliki masalah mental. Di sini, bisa saja Tika dan kekasihnya sama-sama adalah dua orang Korban. Namun, kedua-duanya juga adalah seorang Penyelamat bagi satu sama lain. Sama sekali tidak ada hal yang romantis dalam hubungan ini. Karena pada akhirnya Tika hanya akan terus menolong cowoknya dengan harapan cowoknya juga akan selalu menolongnya dengan permasalahan yang Tika punya. Terdengar menguntungkan, memang. Akan tetapi, keduanya sama sekali tidak ada yang berusaha untuk menyelesaikan masalah mereka sendiri dan terus-terusan meminta orang lain menyelesaikan masalah tersebut untuk mereka.

Dalam bukunya yang berjudul “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck”, Mark Mason mengutip hal berikut ini: “Orang-orang yang sok istimewa gemar menyalahkan orang lain atas emosi dan tindakan mereka sendiri, karena mereka yakin bahwa jika dengan secara konstan menampilkan diri mereka sebagai korban, pada akhirnya seseorang akan datang dan menyelamatkan mereka, dan mereka akan menerima cinta yang selalu mereka dambakan.

Orang-orang yang sok istimewa gemar menyediakan diri secara suka rela untuk disalahkan atas emosi dan tindakan orang lain, karena mereka percaya bahwa jika mereka ‘memperbaiki’ pasangan mereka dan menyelamatkannya, mereka akan menerima cinta dan apresiasi yang selama ini mereka dambakan.”

Penjelasan yang bergitu akurat, saking akuratnya sampai terasa seperti tamparan mutlak di kedua pipi.

Apabila Anda berada di dalam hubungan yang seperti itu, Anda akan menyadari kalau tujuan Anda tetap setia pada pasangan Anda bukanlah karena kalian berdua bisa berkembang bersama-sama, tetapi karena kalian saling membuat satu sama lain sebagai pelarian dari permasalahan kalian yang sebenarnya. Kalian terlalu takut untuk sendirian menghadapi masalah kalian dan beranggapan dengan menyelesaikan masalah yang bukan milik kalian itu bisa membuat kalian merasa berguna dan dibutuhkan. Padahal, kalian sama sekali tidak menyelesaikan masalah kalian sendiri sebagaimana seharusnya.

Dalam keadaan seperti ini, Anda menjadikan pasangan Anda sebagai pelarian dari masalah yang Anda punya. Anda yang tadinya suka minum, suka tidur dengan orang yang berbeda, suka self harm, atau berbagai coping strategies negatif lain pun menjadikan pasangan Anda sebagai ‘jalan keluar’ yang paling mudah didapat. Anda diberi perhatian, kasih sayang, dan afeksi yang sebelumnya belum pernah Anda rasakan. Dan, itu membuat Anda merasa lebih baik.

Kemudian, karena sudah sifat alami manusia untuk mengulangi suatu hal yang bekerja dipercobaan pertama, Anda pun akhirnya akan selalu mencari pasangan Anda ketika Anda berhadapan dengan suatu permasalahan. Entah karena Anda meminta pasangan Anda untuk menyelesaikan masalah Anda (Korban) atau karena Anda lari dari masalah Anda sehingga Anda harus menyelesaikan masalah orang lain untuk merasa lebih baik (Penyelamat.) Sebenarnya, kedua tipe orang ini tidak ada bedanya. Sama-sama tidak sehat dan tidak menyelesaikan masalah dan malah menimbulkan masalah baru.

Intinya hanya satu: Anda meromantiskan permasalahan Anda. Dan, saya memberitahu Anda, ini sama sekali tidak romantis.

Jika hal ini dibiarkan terus menerus, akan ada masanya Anda menjadikan pasangan Anda sebagai alasan untuk Anda hidup. Seolah-olah dia memberi harapan baru bagi kehidupan Anda. Seolah-olah Anda memiliki tujuan hidup baru yang lebih berarti. Nyatanya, Anda hanya berpegangan pada sesuatu yang sewaktu-waktu bisa hilang tanpa jejak meninggalkan Anda sekarat dan pada akhirnya toa masjid pun mengumumkan nama Anda. TED Talk yang dibawakan oleh Hayley Quinn, seorang leading dating expert London ini merangkum penjelasan saya dengan baik.

Salah satu kalimatnya yang paling membekas bagi saya adalah: “When you’re focusing on that perfect romance, you’re not actually doing the real work to fix the stuff that’s stopping you from becoming happy.”

Kalau Anda menjadikan pasangan Anda sebagai tujuan hidup Anda, sebagai harapan satu-satunya, jika pasangan Anda pergi—katakanlah putus—Anda akan kehilangan arah. Karena selama ini Anda sudah percaya bahwa dialah tujuan baru Anda, dialah sosok yang tak tergantikan, dialah segalanya, dan bla bla gombal tidak masuk akal lainnya.

Anda jelas-jelas menjadikan sesuatu yang berada di luar diri Anda sebagai tujuan kehidupan Anda. Yang berarti bahwa berarti tidaknya hidup Anda itu berada di tangan pasangan Anda. Dan, mungkin Anda lupa bahwa tidak semua orang di dalam hidup kita ini akan tinggal selama-lamanya. Bahkan pacar yang sedang Anda kencani sekarang juga belum tentu akan awet dengan Anda, bukan? Well, siapa yang tahu?

Kita semua pada akhirnya harus merelakan kepergian setiap orang yang kita cintai. Entah itu karena perceraian atau ajal. Jadi, menjadikan mereka—sesuatu yang bisa hilang sewaktu-waktu—sebagai tujuan hidup tentu bukanlah pilihan yang bijak. Lalu? Apa yang terjadi apabila Anda sudah kehilangan semua orang? Tidak apa-apa. Anda masih memiliki diri Anda sendiri.

Ya, Anda masih punya diri Anda sendiri. Tidak seperti kehadiran orang lain yang tidak pasti dalam kehidupan Anda, diri Anda itu selalu ada untuk Anda. Dan diri Anda tidak akan meninggalkan Anda.

Memang terdengar membingungkan, tetapi sebenarnya konsep ini benar-benar sederhana. Daripada menunggu orang lain untuk menyelamatkan Anda, mengapa Anda tidak mulai belajar untuk menolong diri Anda sendiri? Daripada menunggu orang untuk Anda tolong, mengapa Anda tidak mulai mengakui kalau Anda sendiri masih punya masalah yang belum terselesaikan? Mengapa Anda tidak belajar untuk menjadi penyelamat bagi diri Anda sendiri?

Anda bisa bilang Anda tidak tahu bagaimana cara menolong diri Anda. Mungkin itu hanya karena Anda masih merasa diri Anda itu istimewa. Anda masih beranggapan kalau Anda itu tidak bisa ditolong dan yang paling menyedihkan. Walau sejatinya, jawaban atas semua permasalahan Anda itu selalu bersama Anda.

Mark Manson menambahkan, “Orang-orang tidak bisa menyelesaikan masalah Anda. Dan sebaiknya mereka tidak mencobanya, karena itu tidak akan membuat Anda bahagia. Anda tidak bisa menyelesaikan masalah orang lain juga, karena itu tidak membuat mereka bahagia. Tanda dari sebuah hubungan yang tidak sehat adalah dua orang yang mencoba memecahkan masalah orang lain agar diri mereka sendiri merasa lebih baik. Sebaliknya, suatu hubungan dikatakan sehat ketika dua orang memecahkan masalah mereka sendiri agar keduanya merasa baik.”

Jadi, daripada menyelesaikan masalah yang sudah jelas bukan masalah Anda, mengapa Anda tidak berusaha menyelesaikan masalah Anda sendiri saja? Daripada menunggu Penyelamat datang, mengapa Anda tidak menyelamatkan diri Anda sendiri saja? Mengapa harus dia, bukannya Anda?

Karena—berdasarkan pengalaman hidup saya—pada akhirnya, segala yang Anda punya hanyalah diri Anda sendiri. Bukan keluarga Anda, atau bahkan kekasih Anda yang tidak jelas itu. Namun, yang selalu Anda punya adalah Anda, bukan dia, bukan siapa-siapa, tetapi Anda. Jadi, mau tak mau, cepat atau lambat Anda harus mulai belajar bagaimana cara untuk menolong diri Anda sendiri tanpa bergantung pada orang lain, tanpa menunggu orang lain untuk datang dan menyelesaikan masalah Anda.

Jadilah pahlawan bagi diri Anda sendiri. Karena pada akhirnya, yang Anda miliki hanyalah diri Anda sendiri.

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Here's Why You Need to Stop Perceiving that You're Special

Saya adalah seorang relawan di salah satu situs yang didedikasikan untuk orang yang mengidap penyakit mental. Tugas saya sebenarnya gampang-gampang susah, yakni mendengarkan keluh kesah orang-orang yang memang saat itu butuh untuk didengar (curhat) melalui fitur chat yang sudah disediakan.

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7 Songs Female INTJ Will be able to Relate To (Pt. 2)


After writing the part one of this post that you can read here, I decided to make a part two because I still have a bunch of songs in my playlist that are ready to be shared. If you’re curious about what kind of song that I usually listen to, you can click here. Without any further ado, let’s get to it. So here are the other 7 songs that (probably) female INTJs will be able to relate to!

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This is Why I'm Not a Good Person


Yes, I love playing, manipulating or even experimenting people’s feelings. Others call me a player, a person who has no shame, but, wait—hold on. It’s not as evil as it sounds. You may misunderstand in the point where I said ‘playing’, but in fact, it tends to be an experiment toward people’s feelings.

I’ve told my readers that I’ve been trying to understand feelings and emotional stuff. In my opinion, love is the common feeling that an individual can feel. That’s why, I decided to focus on this emotion as my very first start.

First, how did I start this experiment? I actually know the consequences. I definitely understand that I have to be willing to immerse myself directly with those unfortunate people who are going to be tested. The first thing that I did to start was… finding targets.

Yep, I wouldn’t be able to start without targets, would I? So I’ve found for about 4 guys who helplessly fell for someone they know nothing about. How did I do this so easily? Keep reading. Or, you can quit already if you think that I’m a jerk. Because, I won’t deny, I am.

Second thing, I made them feel wanted, I replied their texts as if I was waiting for them. I made them feel as if they’re the only for me. I played with their ego. And when they started to show their true feelings, when they started saying something like ‘I wanna be more than friends’… this is the most exciting part. I found that by doing those things to them, it will make them feel vulnerable. At this rate, I have the power to dominate this relationship. I can turn this relationship to be anything that I want to. I have full control over everything.

Isn’t it exciting? Having people begging right on their knees for you to stay?

Then, why did I do when they started to beg for something ‘more than friends’? I will leave them just like that. I won’t text them anymore. I may appear online on my social media, but I don’t reply their messages. I do it on purpose. I want to make them wonder when did they go wrong, when they didn’t do a single mistake. Well, their biggest mistake was letting me in to mess up with their feelings and minds.

After spending sometimes to do this experiment, I’ve figured out some points that grab my attention. Here, I’m going to explain what they are.

Love can begin with curiosity

If you’ve read this post, it’s obvious that I chose that guy as a target. Why? He seems vulnerable and is an easy target. He told me since the very first start the reason why he approached me is because he was curious with my ‘dark side’. I may seem untouchable in social setting. My dark aura can push people away, but, on the other side, it can be a great attraction for those who are drawn to dark things.

When he knew about how I see the world and the reason behind my defensive behavior, it’s obvious that he started falling for me. He might think that my perspective is different than the others, and it becomes way more attractive when I intentionally gave him ‘love signals’ as if I was feeling the same affection toward him.

Love can begin with sympathy

People who know about my past life can say that it’s very unfortunate, they might think that it’s kind of tragic. Most of them become very sympathetic whenever I start talking about my past life. And another truth has been unveiled: sympathy can trigger love and other certain emotions.

So, I met a guy once. He knew me because he was one of my blog’s readers. He was interested with things I’ve written on here, so we discussed a lot. Until, we talked about something that I couldn’t prevent from talking: my past life. I told him about almost everything about it. Why almost? I won’t let my mysterious side disappear. Keeping guys curious and challenged is one of the things to make them fall on their knees for you, so I did what I had to do: making him curious.

In sum, we became close friends. I was there for him whenever he needed me and he was there for me as well. When he started to give me ‘those signals’—that he’s interested in developing this relationship to be more than just friends—I told him that I’m a person who’s lack of this and that. I truly exposed my flaws to him. I was testing, actually. Would he run away?

The result is unbelievable. After knowing everything that I’m lack of as a human being and after putting him in all those shitty moments, he decided that he wanted to stay.

Really, Human?

In my humble opinion, this guy was still confused with his feelings. He claimed that he was in love but he actually didn’t know whether it was love, infatuation or even sympathy. I’m sure he doesn’t know the difference, though, but… please. Don’t try to mess with my feelings when you try understand yours.

Don’t get someone’s kindness wrong. Okay, I was there for you. I’m ready to be someone you can vent on. I’m willing to be the person who you can trust with your secrets. But, does it make me consider you as someone special? Do I want to take this relationship to the next level? The answer is, hell no.

Maybe I’m a jerk. Maybe I’m an asshole. You’re free to say what you want to say, but, guys, don’t you need to thank me instead? Because, really, this post maybe has made you realize that GIRLS CAN PLAY WITH GUY’S FEELINGS AS WELL. GIRLS CAN BE PLAYERS, GOOD ONES.

So for guys, please be aware. You don’t know who the player is ;)

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Bahasa Indonesia: Start Bullet Journaling with Me! Pt. 1

Woah, I’m back with tips and tricks post. Kali ini, kita bakalan bahas tentang: how to start your bullet journal for your very first time! Karena minimnya orang yang nulis artikel tentang bullet journal, akhrinya saya pun memutuskan untuk bikin satu (atau mungkin beberapa, in the future.) Di post ini, saya akan bahas (dan ulas) alat-alat yang saya pakai untuk buat bullet journal. Let’s keep the ball rolling!

Tombow Dual Brush Pen dan Koi Coloring Brush Pen


Bisa dibilang, ini komponen yang paling mendasar, apa lagi kalau kalian mau bikin jurnal yang kelihatan artsy. Pasti cocok banget dengan kombinasi huruf-huruf latin dari brush pen. Untuk brush pen, saya pakai Tombow Dual Brush Pen dan juga Koi Coloring Brush Pen. Bedanya apa, sih, kedua brush pen ini?

Kalau Tombow, seperti namanya, di kedua ujungnya, dia punya ukuran tip yang berbeda. Satunya spidol biasa (mirip Snowman) dan yang satu yang kita pakai untuk brush lettering dengan tip yang fleksibel. Kalau Koi, ukuran badannya lebih kecil dan lebih muat di kotak pensil, sedangkan Tombow ukuran badannya cukup panjang.

Perbedaan mendasar yang saya temukan dari kedua merek brush pen ini adalah kalau kamu mau buat tulisan yang lebih kecil dan cenderung tipis, pakai Koi. Karena Tombow akan menghasilkan goresan yang lebih tebal pada saat digunakan untuk membuat down stroke.

Selain itu, kalau kamu suka banget pakai brush pen yang warna-warni, saya sarankan untuk pakai Tombow karena Tombow memiliki pilihan warna yang lebih bervariasi dibandingkan dengan Koi.

Pentel Fude Touch Brush Pen dan Tombow Fudenosuke Brush Pen


Kalau yang ini, sama-sama brush pen-nya. Namun, kedua merek brush pen ini memiliki hasil yang jauh lebih tipis dan mendetail. Cocok banget untuk menulis judul sub-heading di buku catatan. Lalu, bedanya kedua merek brush pen yang saya sebutkan ini apa?

Sebenarnya, keduanya sama saja. Namun, untuk Tombow Fudenosuke Brush Pen, memiliki (lagi-lagi) dual tip yang sangat berguna. Yang satunya dipakai untuk brush lettering, yang satunya dipakai untuk menulis biasa (mirip seperti tip pada drawing pen.)

Kisaran harga untuk kedua merek ini cukup bervariasi. Mulai dari 25-50 rupiah. Lumayan mahal memang, tetapi saya yakin bakalan worth it. Bagi kamu yang suka main warna, ada baiknya jika membeli yang merek Pentel. Karena Tombow hanya menyediakan warna hitam saja untuk produk mereka yang ini.

Kenko KE-100 dan Sakura Pigma Micron Pen 



Sebenarnya, banyak bullet journalist yang memakai Sakura Pigma Micron Pen  untuk menulis konten di dalam jurnal mereka. Namun, saya merasa, kok, kayaknya sama aja (lol). Jadi saya memilih untuk memakai bulpen gel dengan merek yang mudah didapat saja. Kenko yang saya pakai memiliki ukuran tip 0.5.

Kalau kamu suka main ukuran tip dengan tulisan kamu (tebal tipisnya garis), memang saya sarankan untuk pakai drawing pen saja agar lebih praktis. Sakura Pigma Micron Pen sendiri tersedia dari ukuran tip 01-05.

Pencil Tic dan STABILO Pen Point


Kedua merek di atas memang sangat legendaris (haha). Bisa dibilang, kedua merek ini hampir sama kualitasnya. Hanya saya, STABILO Pen Point memiliki jangkauan warna yang lebih luar daripada Pencil Tic yang (seingat saya) hanya tersedia dalam 5-10 varian warna saja.

Untuk masalah hasil tulisan, saya rasa STABILO Pen Point memiliki tip yang cenderung lebih besar dari Pencil Tic sehingga tulisan yang dihasilkan juga lebih tebal. Silakan dipilih berdasarkan selera dan kebutuhan kamu :)

STABILO Boss dan Mildliner


Bagi yang belum tahu, kedua merek di atas merupakan merek highlighter paling populer di kalangan journalist. Yang paling familiar bagi orang awam mungkin memang STABILO Boss. Namun, rupanya STABILO Boss tidak hanya terdiri dari warna primer saja, seperti kuning dan biru, tetapi juga warna-warna pastel. Kalau masalah jangkauan warna, Mildliner memang bisa dibilang lebih unggul karena menyediakan pilihan warna yang lebih banyak.

Sticky Notes


Sticky notes memang sekarang sudah banyak dijumpai di pasaran dengan berbagai macam pilihan warna. Saya memakai sticky notes di dalam buku jurnal saya untuk mengingatkan saya mengenai deadline-deadline penting yang perlu saya ingat. Selain itu, dengan menggunakan sticky notes, kesan jurnal kamu juga bisa lebih ceria dan berwarna.

Washi Tape


Penggunaan Washi Tape dalam bullet journaling memang tidak bisa dibilang wajib. Tetapi kalau kamu suka banget nempel-nempelin foto/kertas ke dalam jurnal, kamu bisa coba berbagai macam motif menggemaskan dari Washi Tape untuk membuat jurnal kamu nggak monoton dengan solasi yang bening mulu (lol). Harga Washi Tape sendiri bervariasi. Yang sering jumpai berkisar antara 8-15 ribu rupiah per motif.

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How Does Extroverted Thinking Look like for INTJ?


After taking a break for a while from ‘writing INTJ stuff’ or even literally stopping to write anything for my blog, I eventually am ready to write something again. I was having a lot on my plate so I decided to take a break just for the sake of my own sanity. So here I am now, Folk.

I got a new question from my AMA list, here is the question:

In what ways have you developed extraverted thinking? How this that go for you and how did that change your life?

Alright. Before jumping to the point about how I develop my auxiliary function which is Extroverted Thinking/Te in this context, I’d like to explain a bit to you about what Te is and how will it impact yourself psychologically.

Extroverted Thinking aka Te is the auxiliary function for INTJ and ISTJ. Altough both of these types have the same aux. function, don’t think that they use it the same way. Because it always depends on the dominant function (Introverted Intuition for INTJ and Introverted Sensing for ISTJ) since basically the main purpose of auxiliary function is to balance the dominant one. In this post, I will take a look a little closer towards INTJ’s side.

What is Te for for INTJ?

For INTJs, Te will help them to figure out how to get things done in the most efficient and effective way. Te makes them focus on their outter world after spending time with their own inner world ideas/thoughts or we can say here, Introverted Intuition (Ni). Ni makes INTJs seem to be focused on their own ideas inside their head, but with the help of Te, INTJs will be able to put their thoughts into action and do it properly.

For an example, let’s say that I have an idea which is to make my hand drawing better after years with no significant improvement. I’ve already fantasized and questioned myself, ‘What will I do to achieve this?’ Then, if I start making plan in order to get what I want, this is when Te takes me over. Let’s call this ‘Te after Ni.’

INTJ will try to figure out the best, effective and efficient way to achieve what they want with the help of their auxiliary function—Te. It’s like ‘If I want to achieve this, then I have to go through this first, then this one, then that one.’ It’s just literally like figuring out how to get things done orderly. I’m sure you understand already.

How is the correlation between Ni and Te?

As INTJ is having their Te after Ni, don’t think that they will completely abandon their dominant function just like this. As I said before, the main purpose of auxiliary function is to balance the dominant one. So, even when INTJ is in their Te after Ni moment, their Ni will still calculate every possibility or even every pattern that’s related to the goals that they want to achieve. INTJ will cover every single angle of everything if it’s needed.

How does a healthy Te look like?

Healthy Te should turn Ni’s attention towards the external world. Through Te, Ni can make better judgments and expand the sense of self through examining useful and effective principles and standards. By using more objective standards to evaluate situations, Ni can find better ways to adapt subjective vision to external demands. It is especially important for Ni to examine enough perspectives with enough depth to arrive at more accurate intuitions about the world. 

Healthy Te should serve to compensate for inferior Se by helping Ni to understand why it is important to gather more factual data and evidence to verify one’s intuitions about how the world works, rather than immediately rejecting certain perspectives in favor of keeping with one’s established vision or ideals. When Ni can understand the benefits of using intuition to achieve goals with greater skill, confidence, and efficiency, INTJs will feel less isolated and more connected to the universal truths of the world. Ni should realize that it is necessary to engage fully with the external world because intuition is firmly rooted in the tangible reality of the present situation, rather than compulsively deferring to some empty conceptual understanding of the world/future. 

Healthy Te can also enhance the ability to reach greater levels of insight and competence by making Ni more focused and systematic in how it learns and adapts to situations.

How does it change your life?

Developing Te has been like a life changing moment for me, to be honest. Because having a healthy and developed Te will help me to reach my goals and life purposes easier. Te will help me to set up a great preparation before I actually take action in order to achieve my targets. I apply this principle in nearly every aspect of my life. Although sadly sometimes it doesn't end well when it comes to deal with emotions related stuff.

How does an unhealthy Te look like?

When Ni resists Te, it closes itself off to understanding how things actually work in the real world and, as a result, severely restricts itself to situations that are comfortable or aligned with subjective vision. These INTJs will tend to behave in ways that seem isolative, indecisive, or needlessly defensive, ignoring important areas of life that require further development. 

When Ni overindulges Te, it becomes excessively critical or controlling because it is too desperate to achieve order and efficiency. These INTJs are prone to being aggressively judgmental, relentlessly driven, or taking on too much responsibility, failing to care for their own or other people’s well-being.

Whether resisting or overindulging, both cases exemplify immature ways of exerting superficial control over the real or imagined threats of the external world. Long term unhealthy Te behaviors will eventually lead to imperviousness to outside influence, feelings of incompetence or worthlessness, and emotional isolation.

How do you develop your Te?

Enough for the explanation. So let’s jump to the main topic: in what ways have I developed my Te?

Well, I've developed my aux. function in so many ways, I've been trying to be creative. But, if you ask me how to develop it, I barely know how to. Don’t be upset, just yet! Because, really, the Te after Ni moment happens to me just in a blink of an eye. For most INTJs, they will start developing their Te as soon as they have developed their dominant function (Ni), followed by Se (Extroverted Sensing) and Fi (Intuition Feeling). So, if you’re an INTJ, don’t worry, developing Te won’t be difficult for you.

If you try to ask Google on how to develop your cog-fun, you’ll find numerous results from so many sources. You can learn the theory by reading, listening or anything that’s related to the function that you want to develop. But for now, let me give you some tips on developing your Te, especially if you’re an INTJ. But, please keep in my that it’s all optional.

Remember that developing your Te means you have to be willing to draw your attention towards the external world more. So do your best not to get lost in your thoughts.

Read books – There are a lot of books that you can read in order to help you to develop your Te. I can suggest you these books: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, Predictably Irrational, Revised and Expanded Edition: The Hidden Forces that Shape Our Decisions by Dan Ariely, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey and The 48 Laws of Power. It’s all optional, you can try to browse some others and get what you want to read.

Focus not only on your ideas, but your surroundings – If you take a look little closer, there’s a bunch of things that need to be fixed around you. You may spontaneously think about your broken pipe, or even your power cut problem in your house, but, what I mean by your surroundings is not necessarily focusing on thing, but focus on invisible but needs to be fixed problems, such as your personal financial problems (being financially troubled doesn’t always mean you have so many debts or no money at all, let’s think big), your personal improvement challenges, or, maybe your partner’s issues can be something you will be able to practice with. If you open your eyes, there are so many unsolved problems around you! We’re surrounded by troubles, indeed.

Keep practicing – Keep practicing no matter how big the challenge is. There’s no success that you will earn without effort to pass every obstacle. If it’s needed, you can write down (or keep a journal on your phone, or something) your methods to deal with things that you’re trying to deal with.  I recommend you to download an application that’s called ‘Mindly’. It’s for a mind mapping stuff. It will make it easier for you to organize your inner thoughts.

So, that’s all what I got, Folks. Let me hear your thoughts on this post. I’ll see you in the next Ask Me Anything session.

Reference:
intjvision.com
truity.com
mbti-notes.tumblr.com

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What I Truly Mean by Idiot

I’ve claimed that I hate idiots. I mean what I say. But lately it makes me wonder about one thing that might make people feel confused: what do I truly mean by idiot? Is it literally an idiot or something different? Today I’ll explain.

Based on Wikipedia, an idiot is a person perceived to be lacking intelligence, or someone who acts in a self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way. On the other side, an "idiot" was a person with a very profound intellectual disability. In the early 1900s, Dr. Henry H. Goddard proposed a classification system for intellectual disability based on the Binet-Simon concept of mental age. Individuals with the lowest mental age level (less than three years) were identified as idiotsimbeciles had a mental age of three to seven years, and morons had a mental age of seven to ten years.

I agree with the first definition because—really—what I mean by idiot is not someone with mental disabilty, but it refers to those who lack of sense in everything they do in life in general.

Shallow thinkers


I’m a deep thinker. I sometimes found myself talking about something to someone and I end up saying sorry because I realize that my thoughts were too deep for them. So it forces me to bring them to the shallow side of conversation where nothing is exciting.

What I mean by idiot is shallow thinker. Someone who doesn’t think ahead and does stuff impulsively and forgets about its impact and consequences. Drinking too much, for example. You would just be drunk and make a fool of yourself. Then, what’s the point?

Emotional people

It’s truly okay if you cry when you tell me your sorrow experiences. The more I grow up, the more I learn that crying over something in the past is something normal. But what less normal is when you can’t keep the balance between your rational mind and your emotional side.

Stalking your ex when you say that you want to move on, for example. If you said you want to get over him then why the hell do you still stalk him? Why do you still stare at his picures or why the hell do you still keep those pictures?

Irrational people

Every word you say should have supported by facts and data, I ever told my friend such a thing before we started our friendship. But, it does apply for every people I know, I hope they knew. Those who say things that aren’t supported by facts—or at least a long process of contemplation—can make me think that they’re idiots.

Why? Because how can they believe in something that is invalid? I won’t believe the things someone says just because they say it, but they need to have data, or even an evidence, that will be better. For example, people who believe that UFO or aliens do exist. I won’t debate you with this unless you can shut me up with valid data and sources.

Normal people

It doesn’t mean that you have to be an abnormal person to have my respect, no. What I mean by normal people is those who do things way too ‘normal’. Those who don’t dare to think differently. Those who refain themselves from being unique. Those who are too afraid to show their true thoughts and point of view. Those who are just ‘normal’.

Normal is something that needs to be stopped. Being unique and different is tiring, I know, but what will you get with being normal?

I remember something that I ever discussed with a friend of mine. She told me that being different is somewhat tiring. It makes her need to act like a normal one. So I asked her, “What you got by being normal?” She said, “I got a lot of companies.” I laughed. “Fake companies, you mean?”

She didn’t really get my point, at first. But when I let her sink in, she understood. Okay, you are liked by a bunch of people if you act like a normal person. But, you know what’s more tiring than trying to embrace your differences? It’s trying to be someone that you are not. In the end of the day you will just sit on your couch, count your fake new friends and wonder what if they know the real you. Will they stay? Will they leave? Nobody knows.

Being different from the start is a great choice to know who wants to stay although they know that you’re different.

I’m pretty sure that all of us have different point of view about what idiot truly means. I don’t mind hearing your thoughts. Leave them in the comment section below.

See you later, Awesome Folks :)

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#AMA: When Your Happiness Depends on Your Achievement

"Hi! I think one of the biggest problems I have with being an INTJ is that I am really hard on myself. I really value learning new things and I am also very ambitious. But sometimes I go too far and feel like my happiness depends on what I achieve. I know that ambition isn't a bad thing and doesn't necessarily have something to do with a personality type but I think that this trait paired with me being an INTJ makes everything ten times worse. That is also one of the reasons why everybody thinks I am very cold and sometimes egoistic. I kind of care about that (mainly the being-egoistic-thing, being cold is fine I guess) but I realised that putting that pressure on myself (mainly in school) doesn't really make me happy and sometimes really annoys others. 

Basically I just want to know how I can be a bit more relaxed and positive and stop putting all of my energy in something that doesn't even make me happy/define me as a person. I hope you understand my issue and I also know that everybody is different so of course there is a chance that you don't have a solution for me. (Which I don't expect at all but I am also very interested in your opinion on this topic and whether this is even an INTJ thing or if I am just being weird ) And thank you for reading all of this!"

So what you've just read is one of the questions from my AMA list. This question is very interesting, I mean it. So this time, I'm going to answer it and explain everything also give this reader some useful advice. It may not suit you the best, considering that I only know your problem based on what you've explained to me. You might be able to recognize which one is going to work well for you and which not. Let's begin.

First of all, it can be true that most of INTJs have high standard on themselves (yet others) in every aspect of their life. INTJs are well-known with their perfectionism which can lead them to be very ambitious towards their life's goals and passion. So, I can tell that the thing that's happening to you right now is very understandable, because I see correlation between ambitious trait and this INTJ personality type.

INTJs expect a lot of things from their lives. They want their lives to be something just like they always wanted and already planned. As an INTJ myself, I can be obsessed with something that I love, especially my passion. When I love what I'm doing, then nothing can stop me from doing it although people don't like it.

I agreed that being ambitious isn't a bad thing as long as you don't get too far. Why? When you're already blinded with your ambitions, you can do things that you shouldn't do, like taking people for granted or being egoistical, for example. Being ambitious is okay, but you need to know the limit. Don't be too obsessed with your life goals. Remember, you won't bring anything that you own now with you in the day you die.

So, if you ask me how to be more relaxed and positive, I'm just gonna say: just stop giving a shit. It's not like I ask you to drop all of the things that you already started, but in order to be relaxed, you need to take it easy. You can't rush it. When a goal didn't go well like what you wanted, for example, you yourself can be frustrated because you already expected a lot. You need to hold yourself back to be less ambitious. Because it can me something like a 'boomerang'. Okay, you will feel satisfied once a goal is already done, but how if you failed and stumble down? Nobody ever knows?

What I'm trying to say is, don't expect too much. It's okay to put some hope on your future, but don't let it make you forget that there's a possibility that failure can happen. Brace yourself not only for the best possibility, but also the worst one.

And about you saying that you're being so hard on yourself, it's very understandable, considering that you expect a lot from yourself. But, hey, let's reflect for a bit. Try to focus on the things that you already achieve instead of things that you haven't achieved yet. Try to look back for a bit. I'm so sure that you already have a lot of completed goals. I know you're smart already, curious and always starve for new knowledge which is a good thing. Not all people have these great inner qualities.

Do self-appreciation. Look at the simple thing, the simplest quality in yourself that maybe not all people have, that maybe you usually underestimate. You're special just in the way you are. People never ask you to be like A, B, C, but it's yourself, the one who always says, "It's not enough, I have to do more" while in fact, what you've already done, is enough already. It's not others who do expect, it's you. It causes you distress when a goal can't be completed.

So, the conclusion is, try to enjoy the simple things. Maybe you can try to make a list that contains with things that can cheer you up when you feel anxious/unsatisfied with your plan. I know sometimes everything won't turn out to be something that we always wanted, but by enjoying the things that you already have, by remembering the great and incredible things that you've already achieved, will help you to feel at ease.

Happiness comes from within, don't let your achievement stuff takes over your happiness. Because when you already achieved everything, will you stop being happy? Will you?

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When a Date Turned to be a Job Interview

Short story, I remember that there is a guy that I've known for a bout 3 years, just call him Mr. A. We met for the very first time in one of writing competitions that I've ever joined. We went to the same school but we never met before. In the beginning, it was awkward, I've never interacted to a guy who has the same passion as me. So we talked about many things, but weirdly, we can always relate to each other in some point.

I thought, oh, cool. Finally there's someone who can understand.

Maybe if I could go back in time and change it, I would tell the old me just to get rid of this guy out of my life. Why? Because after our meeting, here you go, an absurd romance story happened.

As long as I can remember, Mr. A started to visit me to my class with no reason at all. He just asked something like, "Hey, I really want to read your script, can I?" Until finally, it turned out to be: "Can I have your number?" So, I asked him, "What for?" then he said, "Just in case I need it." Because I'm a good and kind girl *lol* so I did give him what he asked for. I was curious with his motive. Why the hell this guy did such a thing, especially, to me?

Moreover, if he just wanted to read my script, he could just ask for my email instead of my number, right? This is why our first conversation took place on email box, because in that time, I still had no clue about what the heck was happening. I still considered him as a stranger, so I'm not gonna share my personal information that easily.

It all went to be something that I never expected. I mean, my romance life was a big zero before, then this guy came out of nowhere to mess with my feelings? I won't let that happen. So, two months after, he finally confessed his feelings to me. I was like, "WTF does he think he's doing?"

The only thing that makes me cringe is, he said he loves me, by text. I mean it, by a goddamn text! I start to feel that he's afraid to see me in real life to say that. So I immediately asked him to meet me in a person to talk about this shit. On the following day, we met and this awkward conversation started.

I demanded him to answer my questions, my critical questions, to be precise. While sitting face to face, I asked him these questions:

1. Why do you love me?
2. How long you've been feeling this way?
3. What makes you think that I am....

I expected him to at least say something, but, the only thing he said was, "I don't know."

Again, my mind blown. How could he love me without any single reasons? How come he didn't know how long he has been feeling like that? I mean, it's such an obscurity. Then why did he just say he loves me when he doesn't even know why? Besides, how would I be sure about his feelings when he, himself, is confused about it? What he actually expected from me? I never know.

The another thing that makes me want to punch him in the face is, when I asked him, "So, what kind of relation that you expect we have?" He couldn't answer a single thing.

I killed him in my imagination. Why did it need to be so complicated when he could just mean everything he says? So I started to list every possibility. "Friends?" I said. He shook his head. "Best friends?" It was a no from him again. I wish I had a hammer. "So?" He remained silent. I forced to make it all crystal clear, "Girlfriend and boyfriend?" He finally nodded.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY IT SINCE A MINUTE AGO YOU STUPID ASS," I internally yelled out loud.

I catched my breath. Trying to keep calm although I realized I would just end up hurting his feelings. But as a matter of fact, I need to be honest, no matter how hurts the truth is. So I told him, "I can't."

Just by these the words: I can not, I thought it all was clear. But, instead of leaving me alone, he started to try to convince me about this kind of relationship. He stated the beneficial things that we'll have if I say yes to him. It was obvious that he tried to seem to be more 'worth-selling'. The sound in the back of my head told me, "Is it something like a job interview?"

After talking too much, he finally stopped, waiting for my response. But what I could say was, "No matter how beneficial is it to be your girlfriend, nothing is going to change my mind. My no is a no. I hope you understand."

And if you wonder, why did I say no, I can explain. First of all, we've only known each other for two months. For me, two months are not enough to know whether you love someone or not. Until now, I just consider that he was only blinded by his feelings until he no longer could distinguish which one is love, which one is only an infatuation.

Moreover, he barely knows me. I mean, okay, he knows my name, probably my address and my interests. But how if I'm a burglar? How if I'm a criminal? How if I'm a drugs trader? He never knows about this kind of stuff. He didn't count every possibility and only followed the lead of his clumsy feelings instead. I wonder, how could he miss this major point when it's pretty obvious?

He told me that he was curious with me because for him I'm kinda mysterious. So I asked him, "Oh, so when you're no longer curious, you're going to leave me?" One thing I know, I don't want to be the object of his absurd curiosity. I know that I'm too good for that. I'm not a people pleaser. I'm not going to stay mysterious just because I want him to stay for me. I mean, that sounds ridiculous. I definitely won't do that in million years.

"The conclusion is, I can't," I told him calmly, then I stood up and leave.

One job interview has been done today.

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